“… and Jesus went with Him”
First off, we are having a baby in March. A little baby girl and we are so
excited. But simply saying that does not
feel like enough… Behind this wonderful news is a long journey filled a lot of
hurt, a lot of joy, and a lot of Jesus.
So here is our best attempt at telling our story…
Two years ago we decided we were ready to start a
family. So we did what you do to make
that happen. A few months went by, we
went to a doctor, she said just give it time… we got offered a new job, decided
to move our life, but started to wonder, “Why hasn’t this happened?” The end of summer brought about the stresses
and distractions that accompany a new job and a new town, and we were still
waiting and starting to wonder a bit more.
And then we reach the year mark.
12 months of hoping for a baby and 12 months worth of disappointing
news. Somewhere around this time I
stumbled upon G. Campbell Morgan’s thoughts on Jesus’ encounter with Jairus in
his book The Great Physician. I had always been drawn to the story, but
this day in October of 2013 my heart broke right alongside Jairus’. The waiting had become harder and harder
and the wondering began to create doubt… God where are you? Don’t you hear our cries? And as our hearts were breaking and our confusion
began to take hold, God met me in these words…
“… we cannot tell how
far it was, but what we do know is that Jairus walked by the side of Jesus…”
The journey had been going on for a year, but that day I
realized we were not walking alone. We
had been coming for months and months, falling to our knees before our God-
just like Jairus- begging him for the gift of a child… And somehow I had missed
this beautiful truth that Jesus was walking right beside us the whole time. Over the next few months, things didn’t get
easier, to be honest, only harder, but something in us began to change. We were walking these familiar roads of waiting and wondering... longing
for a baby… each month being reminded nothing changed… crying and begging,
praying that God would grant us the desire of our heart… but we were not
alone.
Like Jairus’ story and I’m sure so many of yours, things got
worse before they got better. A
fertility doctor (one of the many people who entered into this journey with us)
began to realize what might be getting in the way of a pregnancy, and after
some more tests, we went through a couple of steps we were hoping might lead to
what we were longing for the most. And a
few weeks later, Molly walked down the hall with tear filled eyes, tears that
were different, tears that fell on a smile.
She was pregnant! And two weeks
later we got a called that changed everything.
The pregnancy was not going to last, her hormone levels pointed to an
almost inevitable miscarriage. The words
stung, made my heart sink in a way Jairus’ heart must have sunk on his own
journey when he heard the words…
“There is no need to bother the master any longer. Your daughter is dead”
Words you never forget.
Words that leave you breathless.
Words that make you want to take sticks and stones and beat whoever came
up with that ignorant statement over the head.
G. Campbell Morgan’s description of how Jairus felt when he heard those words seemed fitting as we laid on the ground,
wondering how this could happen…
“It was for him an
hour when he was face to face with life as he had never been before.”
Yet in the darkness and dim of those few weeks, Jesus’ words
to Jairus rang loud…
“Don’t be afraid, just
go on believing…”
Believe, how can we believe.
“Don’t be afraid, just go on believing…”
We ask you for life and all we feel is death.
“Don’t be afraid, just go on believing…”
We ask you for life and all we feel is death.
“Don’t be afraid, just
go on believing…”
“And as sure as the
sun will rise” (Hos 6:3) our God met us.
We felt like something had been taken away- our joy, our hope, our plan,
our longing… And still He met us He heard our cries. His broad shoulders felt our fists and caught
our tears. He met us. He continued to walk with us. Continued to show up in our shattered world.
He met us with our family driving to Cookeville when they heard
our hurt over the phone. He met us in a
tear I felt on my shoulder as I hugged my mom.
He met us through friends walking through the door. He met us in the words of Hosea and
Lamentations and the cries of the Psalmists and Paul’s letter to the Corinthians
(Hosea 6:1-3, Lamentations 3:22-24, Psalm 31, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18). He met us in the words of the songs “ThoughYou Slay Me” and “You Will Remain”. He
met us in the nights where we laid awake waiting and wondering if we would ever hold our
child.
And over the next 2 months, as sure as the sun rose
everyday, God met us. We began to
believe that He is good, that He is faithful, that He had not forgotten about
us. We began to see that this pain was
not meaningless, that in the midst of the hell we were living, God was shaping
us more in His image. And began to trust
that even if this gift we wanted so much never came to be, He was still good,
still faithful.
We left to spend a month at SharpTop Cove with mixed
emotions. On one hand we were ready for
a break… No doctors. No questions. Nothing we could do until we got home. On the other hand we were not looking forward
to being around 28 kids that were a part of our assign team. But the month turned out to be great. We had sweet conversations with people who
had walked a similar road or just genuinely entered into our hurt. Our hearts began to smile again as we played
on the ipad with Ethan and twirled Addie and Ellie Kate in our arms and hugged
Hadley so very tight and watched sweet Maisy giggle and clap. In it all, we rested in God’s presence and God's promise.
On our drive back home from SharpTop we started planning
when we schedule another appointment to start the process all over, and the
next day, Molly walked into the room with those same tears I had seen before…
She was pregnant! I never knew I could
experience so much joy and fear in one moment, but my heart leapt and my mind
raced. And since that day in July, we
have slowly allowed the joy to overcome the fear. And I cannot wait to stand in the delivery
room in March as God brings new life into this world and hold my little girl and be overcome with amazement of the One who walk with us the whole way…
“’Little girl I say to
you, arise.’ And immediately the girl
got up and began walking… and they were immediately overcome with amazement.”
So this is our story.
And we wanted to tell you for a few reasons…
We want to point to Jesus… the Great Physician… the one who
has met us in ways far beyond what we could ever ask or imagine…
We know what it feels like to look on instagram and find out
someone is pregnant while you are still waiting and wondering…
We want you to know that God was faithful the entire time,
not just since we’ve been pregnant. He
was with us and still walks beside us on this journey…
We hope you stand amazed with us… amazed at the One who
brings life where there is none.
- drew & molly
Scripture from Mark 5:21-43
Quotes from G. Campbell Morgan’s The Great Physician
Shane and Shane singing “Though You Slay Me”
with a quick message from John Piper…
